Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart

Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck

In their other hand

i usually decompose after work rather than decompress

Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.

No problem, I’ll get you another one.

Thanks, but make sure she likes football.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Me: You’re so selfish!

Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.

Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..

Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy

MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors

*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me

Dentist: for the love of God just floss

respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise

“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”

Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?

Body: I’m sooooooo tired

Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES

My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills

ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking

me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.

them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”

[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?

when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out

I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.

Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.

Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me

wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous

My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.

the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs

If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.

North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.

I put a NEW DRIVER sticker on my car so people will have mixed emotions when I cut them off.

Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.

Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.

[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor