Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.

Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”

Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.

Me: it’s time to go to sleep

3: Nope, I don’t think so

Me: who asked you?!

How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord

if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda

As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk

If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes

One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.

I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.

hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her

I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre

It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now

therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?

me: add to cart

therapist: no

To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”

HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?

ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?

HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?

ME: I love you.

I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her

Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf

friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me

Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above

We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.

When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat

*Aquarium

GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus

ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok

Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff

*wife is out of town*

Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?

*looks around and shrugs*

Screw it. This is my house.

*falls into toilet at 3AM*

Allen: I’ll never talk

Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that

doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]

Get lost in the experience, not the park.

Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.

Listen, if a woolly mammoth can be “perfectly preserved” for millennia, I’m sure this five year old meat in the back of the freezer is just fine.