My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
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“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Somedays I just love AI so much
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
is it earth
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Message from teachers: no clubs this week
Message from club coordinator: no clubs this week
Email AND text message from school: no clubs this week
School electronic sign: no clubs this week
Number of parents who asked if there were clubs this week: not zero
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
[going out]
other moms: have fun, be safe!
my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later