My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
since there are no other vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time
How funny!
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
I’ve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
The days of good grammer has went
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
