Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
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My first child will be named New Folder.
Rock stars’ children have very strange names.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.