Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.

If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee

“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made

ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*

PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way

ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.

HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?

First date:

*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*

Her: So, what do you do for a liv-

*bites her in half*

I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.

My favorite farside!!

Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs

[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd

Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u

I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.

My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.

Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale

It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.

Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.

Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are

ME: Make every guy afraid of me.

GENIE: As you wish.

ME: (a tampon): son of a

“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts

‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.

SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.

starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks

The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.

GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!

ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.

DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!

“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”

*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas

Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week

1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow

Me: inside me there are two wolves

Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??

When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.

Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger