My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
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How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
I was just discussing this with my cat
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.