I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
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I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*
Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.
Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
I always listen to podcasts while I’m cleaning my house. Even the dullest chore can be enjoyable if you clean your house at the same time.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.