Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email

Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.

Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?

Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.

my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism

he said he adored my imperfections.

and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????

[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park

[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?

[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.

No one

Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.

Husband enters vasectomy room

Nurse: You sure about this?

*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*

N: The dr. will be right in

u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???

😂🐾

I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.

Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE

*1st dinner date*

Me: waiter, can I get the bill-

Her: I love sophisticated guys

Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?

Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?

Me: finding the will to get up

Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.

there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter

*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?

A dog needs to be the next president.

“A dog can’t-”

When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?

“I’ll start the paperwork.”

I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.

Jesus steals the winter solstice

Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.

Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes

Local Thai place no longer suffering fools

it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years