I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
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I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
School Nurse [calling]: Your child is in my office.
Me: What’s wrong?
Nurse: She’s just overtired.
Me: Join the club.
Nurse: She’s lying down now.
Me: I’ll be right there.
Nurse: Ok. I’ll have her dismissed.
Me: What? No. I’m just coming to lie down, too.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Somebody’s lying.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments