Once again not all heroes wear capes
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[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”
Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.