Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man

*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!

I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again

Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.

Yoda: Clouded, your future is.

Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?

Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.

when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters

“Missed you.”
– a lover

“Missed you.”
– a sniper

Context is important.

I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.

“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.

I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.

I hope they like monopoly.

[baking a cake]

Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?

Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know

Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast

Me:

Niece:

Me: you’re my favorite

just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times

I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge

I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.

They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.

*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE

Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*

Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats

God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”

Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”

Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?

“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”

*donates body to science*

Science: “I have a boyfriend”

NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.

Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.

My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.

i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”

Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.

Me: What fresh hell is this?

Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!

Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation

why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening

My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum