They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
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To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”
Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.