what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
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Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
WHO DID THIS?
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
One of my henchmen asked “ey boss what da heck does Hench mean” and I had to shoot him in front of the others. I looked up the etymology in my lair later and it was actually kinda interesting
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.