Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
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ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
LOL
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Holy crap this is wonderful
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster