Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus

I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.

I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.

Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.

Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?

Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there

Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*

Pet hermit crab: no wait go back

Announcer: welcome to house hunters

My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.

I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.

To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.

My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.

wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.

me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.

sister-in-law: hey guys.

me: [screams and passes out]

Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.

Breaking news:

*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs

I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.

The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the

I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.

My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.

airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb

According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt

Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.

[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]

“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”

him: damn girl you’re hot

me (menopausal): I know. it sucks

[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!

When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall

I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.

If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.

Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it

[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.