Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.

I have the bruises of a much more active person.

nurse: height

me: 6’4″

nurse: weight

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me: wait for what

Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?

{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}

me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT

Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?

[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.

it is time once again

I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️

ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?

GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?

My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.

My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.

I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.

I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.

I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.

Whoa, whoa whoa…

I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.

Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.

Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?

“And what did you bring home this week?”

– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school

My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge

Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat

I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”

I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx

[ Mt. Everest camp ]

First climber: hey where’s your buddy?

Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.

The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.

Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.

Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!

Me: I didn’t mean for you.

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?

I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.

When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.

road rage

I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.