đź‘ľđź‘ľđź‘ľ
You Might Also Like
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week, and once again, I have been snubbed. I’m starting to think they don’t even have a Nobel Prize in little internet jokes.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Museums are a joke like please don’t steal this old shit nobody would never use
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
I feel so discombobulated when supermarkets switch up the aisles without texting me first.
You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
I refer to one of my neighbors as the “older lady on the end,” but it turns out she’s like my age.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.