Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out

This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?

Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily

Me at 10.10 pm: dang it

With the year coming to a close, please remember to send all apologies and confessions of love to my email before January. I will be refreshing my inbox every 30 minutes. Thank you.

New comic up. “Ransom”

{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshake

Exterminator: there’s your problem

So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?

*escorted from Starbucks

I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!

A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.

Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.

Pescatarian is a beautiful name for a baby

Me: do you like my new hairstyle?

17: oh – did you do that on purpose?

Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually

Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.

Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.

20’s: You can eat whatever you want.

30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.

40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.

Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?

Son: Yes of course

Me: It doesn’t look like it

Son: oh you mean this week?

3 AM

BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?

“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required

I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.

God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens

*checks my phone to see what time it is*

[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*

[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*

Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.

“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me

It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.

I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.

HIM: And a trillion dollars.

GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.

HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.

GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?

HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.

GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.

A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay