“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
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The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
feel so stupid. none of them have the mustache. no way to tell which baby is hitler.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.