Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER

If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss

As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying

No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.

Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.

Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.

Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.

Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing

If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.

The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false

A chilling warning for the old people in my village.

to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica

Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”

[crime scene]

Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.

Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.

Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.

My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.

First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]

Her: do you come here often?

Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*

You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.

Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?

My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.

Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet

When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat

me: this haunted house is so scary

wife:

me: look at all the spooky witches

wife: we are in a house of mirrors

me: oh no they seem mad

Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”

[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀

[7:00:01am] wait no

[7:00:02am] hold o—

[7:00:03am] stop

A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge

[on date]

Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.

Her: I think I’ll have a steak.

A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]

When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!

Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?

Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.

Rose: Nice.

Grill: You could have looked around a bit.

[typing]

Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?

My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.