I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
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It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.