inside you are two wolves
You Might Also Like
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
This is my favorite one of these!
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?