morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
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I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
#math
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
this has to be peak English
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
I would love to watch a documentary about my life, because I am VERY confused
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.