Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?

If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.

her: i saw a shark walking along the beach

me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen

I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter

I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…

it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…

If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.

ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.

Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.

Me: Throws holy water in her face.

*Neighbor melts

Me: Not today Satan.

“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”

– Cat game shows

Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.

me: I’m in a terrible mood

friend: try drinking some water

me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated

[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better

“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.

Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.

Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.

me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top

*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*

her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours

JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*

One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.

If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain

*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night

7: Dad what does this word mean

Me: Bring me a dictionary

*Smack up side the head

Me: Now go google that shit

Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.

His need for me and only me.

• The cat wants to be fed.

me: what drink ya got there?

11: a smoothie I made

me: oh. What’s in it??

11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.

me: and you won’t eat a tomato.

The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.

My birthstone is a sushi roll.

good for her

Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.

Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.

Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.