angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
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I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Check out the legs on this baby
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
presenting your incognito window wrapped
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?