Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.

Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!

How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam

me: I put a siren on your car

cop: what’s that soun–

*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*

Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.

I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no

PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?

ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’

*priest slowly backs away*

*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*

We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?

if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?

when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting

things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy

Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders

Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?

Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.

hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated

Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl

My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.

Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.

If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.

Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.

Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.

Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?

Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.

Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.

Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.

Me: Almost? Quitter.

After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.

The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”

Ah 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago.

*starts crying*

You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.

[letter to vitamin company]

So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff

Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”

Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”

Manager:“I need to see you in my office.

Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.