Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: we can’t climb on this

My Kid: the older kids are climbing too

Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to

My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read

Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*

I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.

Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?

Cop: you get one phone call

me: [dials 911] help

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down

fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house

*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*

i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there

FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?

Cop: I need another ticket book.

Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.

Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.

I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.

I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.

So I pulled down my pants.

Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁

No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this

I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.

[visiting America]

Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?

America: sure is

Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch

America: lmao nope

The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.

“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”

Please follow the instructions

1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass

5) Only do number one

“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully

I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.

Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.

Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.

I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.

If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.

A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.

Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear

me: I heard this cemetery was haunted

caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird

First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is

I don’t usually post things like this on here but,

My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.

I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.

So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.