Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[parent-teacher conference]

teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-

me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or

Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?

5: Pencils. Duh.

Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.

If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.

Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.

Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?

Me: I’m…

Wife: … no

Me: a…

Wife: … don’t

Me: *stares at wife* master baster!

She is very cute, has great energy! 😂

Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.

Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.

Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.

family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly

I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult

the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word

Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-

My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.

[during sex]

me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*

“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there

Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”

EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]

Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you

Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.

Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another

In Russia, Pokemon find you.

throwin a party tonight

goths $5
furries $5

raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both

“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals

5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.

*pushes their faces together*

Me: Did they kiss and make up?

5: No. She headbutted him.

God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.

Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!

God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.

Angel: Never mind, go ahead.

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Age 40: I want my toilet to flush

I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

[meeting the parents]

Dad: what do you think of Baroque?

Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.

The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…

-stalker’s