Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, at front door: I’m going running

Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?

Me: It’s me!

Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP

CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on

me: what does that cloud look like to you?

her: please just open the parachute

I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.

the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard

Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.

Teen: Huh?

Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.

Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!

I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.

The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again

Well, maybe we should get rid of it

The plant? But we just got it

. . .Haha yeah, the plant

* on a date snuggling *

Me: Did you enjoy dinner?

Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.

Me: Get your hands off my belly.

the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’

You know…for fall…

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited

“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever

I wish I were this cool 😂

Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator

Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.

One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.

Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.

The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans

I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.

me: so how do you guys get around?

dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train

me: makes sense

dumbledore: fly a broomstick

me: fun

dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void

me: huh

dumbledore: bus

All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream

Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no

A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.

When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.

cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume

me: is there a law against it?

cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession