Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *grimaces, accepts call*

Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!

Me: Meow

this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket

Answers phone, makes modem noises…

Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.

Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.

Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?

Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over

Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.

Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*

[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]

Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?

Wife: what?

Me, louder: I’m going to the bank

Wife: what?

Me: I’M LEAVING YOU

Wife: ok

I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty

I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.

Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

Let’s ride.

So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.

Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then

Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?

Sigh, women are so demanding..

*waits to answer so he misses me*

(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough

Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.

Me: what do want for your birthday

Friend: just a gift card or some shit

Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it

SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship?

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo

amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday

Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.

Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken

Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him

Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while

Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either

I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.