Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stages of going to bed:

1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.

“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot

I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.

Yes my dude

I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.

I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues

No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.

I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details

Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.

Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now

My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.

I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.

Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”

Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only

used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip

the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room

Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?

As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.

I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.

husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*

me: what’s with all the water

him: you know FULL WELL

It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.

Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.

Me: Table for 1.

Host: Just 1?

Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?

Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars

Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black

One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.

If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.

My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:

1) Me
2) My Best Friend

“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.