Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
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Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
japanese corn
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Holy crap this is wonderful
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating