Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
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Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
just told my kids it’s illegal to have the light on while we’re driving, I will not break this cycle
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
🤣🤣🤣
