Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….

My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.

man: hello I want a drugs

dealer: are you the cops?

man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop

dealer: are you sure!

man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop

dealer: here are four drugs

man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop

“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.

me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]

3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?

At what age should you put the tonsils back in

grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight

remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???

People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.

If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.

BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool

ME *remembering I’m me* oh no

I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET

14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?

Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?

14:

Me:

14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.

“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs

“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

[Grocery Store]

Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?

Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.

If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out

I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle

I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.

When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.

The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.

Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.

[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]

It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”

[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]

“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”

Her: ‘We should have another kid.’

Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’

Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.

I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.

Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.