Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang

Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”

Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.

If you are reading this then you are reading this

The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.

Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor

Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?

Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course

[1st day as a mechanic]

CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?

ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil

Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy

WHO LET THE T-REX OUT OF ITS PADDOCK JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?

“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean

Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard

police: DROP YOUR WEAPON

me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground

if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that

*Opens Google*

What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?

barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue

These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.

me: my friends:

There’s no “I” in angel.

But there is one in devil!

4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?

Me: Bat cheese?

4: Yes

Me: Bat. Cheese?

4: Yes. Bat cheese.

Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?

4: For my car

Me:

4:

Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!

4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄

GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*

is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?

How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???

“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.

I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.

Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?

one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king

sin harder.

The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.

I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.

Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.

Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!