Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
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Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
idk flipping houses looks really hard
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?
It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.
The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.