My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
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Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
