Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead

I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here

Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all

A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.

ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.

So, lemme get this straight…

Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??

I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment

I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished

HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER

I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife

If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.

[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no

You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.

I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.

ME: my wife and i are having a baby!

FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?

ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…

Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you

just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant

Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?

Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.

If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all

I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.

It’s called an oughtobiography.

Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight

My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?

Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree

When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.

Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me

[running away from killer]

KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U

ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO

KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

Had a spot of bother earlier.

{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?

it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior