“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
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I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.
chat, i am full of concern
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50