my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
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[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from