My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
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We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties
Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work