The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
You Might Also Like
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
If you see me out in public but we haven’t talked since high school let’s keep it that way.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
A social media post so confusing you turn your music down to read it.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.
Remember, when a package says “sharing size”, that’s just a guideline. They have no enforcement mechanism
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.