My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
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Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.
Amazing man. Horrible chef.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Good news: I set an all time high today!
Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.