I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
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her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
How times have changed.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Going to church you guys need anything
Dammit Chief not again
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
6: are snakes just neck?
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here