Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.

Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?

5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.

Me:

Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.

[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]

Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?

“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.

Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.

If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.

why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly

this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that

Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to

People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.

Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom

Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.

I thought you were going to take my taco.

“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”

That’s not what I –

“Please stop. Let me do this.”

[Starbucks Assassins Inc]

CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John

BARISTA: [writes] Jamie

C: Ok. Memorise it

B: [eyes shut] Janet

Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.

There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.

On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.

A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.

I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.

Me: I like the funny horse cartoon

Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it

Me: haha the cops a cat

me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again

*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*

Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.

911, what’s your emergency?

Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand

Are you left handed?

No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button

Okay but why are you whispering?

I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel

Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.

Me: why is my water bill always so high?

Me in shower:

[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it

[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?

Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.

Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.