Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.

dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*

“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.

a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet

I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.

You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.

My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.

I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty

[My first day as a garbageman]

Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.

Me: Goddammit

I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.

Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.

Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.

monday

My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.

If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts

Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.

*grabs mixing bowl*

ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that

Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell

Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.

Me: You recognize this man?

*slides photo*

Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.

Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.

Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.

I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.

As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.

hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad

Was dancing with a lad last night, and his mates dragged him away for the last train home… he said “my names Maff I’m from Kettering, find me”… imagine if life were that easy 😅

I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense

If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you

“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”

Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”

The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.

I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.