Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.

Me: I really need to save money

Also me:

Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?

Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.

If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.

me: how much for the dog bouquet

girl walking dogs: what

Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan

“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking

I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.

Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.

Son: That wasn’t you

Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.

I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.

[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please

In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship

Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.

[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl

*arouses suspicion*

Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.

What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?

Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”

Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*

Be the reason she can’t walk properly.

~ 5 inch heels probably ~

Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.

exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time

I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.

Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass

you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool

I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”

“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”

– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea

Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.