Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: are you ready?

Husband: yes

Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-

Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick

I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood

If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy

Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.

Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.

I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.

Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.

Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Hulu: still there?

Me: yes

Phone: ring ring

Me: no

Him: Do that thing I hate

Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions

Monday Lisa

My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.

Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-

Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?

[Back To the Future, 2018]

Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??

Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco

I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating

this is one of the best threads in twitter history

Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.

My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.

Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.

I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.

Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.

do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?

Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!

– squirrels

🙂🙃🥹

Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.

Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.

“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live

I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.