Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
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My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
You know how when you pack, you’re supposed to use your socks and underwear to take advantage of any small spaces left amid the pants and shoes and jackets and etc.? That’s my strategy with after-dinner snacks.
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
I’m confused about plants
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*