Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.

Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all

So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …

just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait

You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.

Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.

What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?

My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…

I don’t know what he said after that.😑

Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.

Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.

My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.

I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis

A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.

I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.

Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling

[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?

What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.

A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.

“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work

So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.

Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes

middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie

According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.

Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?

I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.

I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me

Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.

Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”

dad: *holds up condoms* what are these

son: …

dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one

COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on

me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith