Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.

Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?

The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.

I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.

Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.

Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it

Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store

I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.

I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”

Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing

The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.

Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*

“We’ll call you” – OH NO

“You call us” – OH NO

Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.

got so much cardio in today

The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.

My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.

Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs

You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.

Egyptians don’t walk like that.

Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.

My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.

Angel: how will humans start out?

God: small and helpless

Angel: how will they end up?

God: big and helpless

Angel: in between?

God: totally clueless

Angel: what is your deal man?

I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but

The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!

Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate

“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg

This could be us… but you playing

I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.

If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.

I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.

*Signs into Facebook

“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere

*Agrees

*Deletes Facebook

there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get